Naruto Abridged With Commentary: Zabuza Saga
by Anonymius
Summary: First season of Naruto shortened, humoured and mocked all the way through!
1. Enter Naruto Uzumaki!

**The Commentator: A powerful Inter-Franchise entity who spends his free time travelling to different pop culture worlds and making fun of them. Likes mocking, power, world domination, dancing, singing and musicals. Also likes to fish.**

**The Professor: The Commentator's genius sidekick, a calm reserved individual who often has to restrain his eccentric master. Favourite show is 'Heroes'. Hates filler above all else.**

**Sammy the Slug: A giant, semi-anthropomorphic talking slug. Fills in the traditional role of lackey. Was the Commentator's original right hand assistant before being kicked out (Literally) for misunderstanding what 'commentary' meant for them.**

**For those who are interested, 'With Commentary' in this series refers to at least all three of these beings introducing, concluding and making sporadic comments throughout the parody and interacting with characters when neccesary.**

**Oh yes and I do not own 'Naruto' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Many years ago, a higher being whose identity shall remain concealed captured numerous monsters across anime, in the hopes of creating a breed of super warriors. Unfortunately, one of the experiments on a Ninetails pokemon went- kind of awry- which wouldn't have happened if a certain someone hadn't smeared slime all over the controls!

Sammy: I didn't mean to! It was an accident!

Commentator: How on Earth could leaving a trail of slime which is natural for slugs be accidental? Ahem, anyway, the results was that the Ninetails mutated into a ginormous demon- and it kind of escaped.

Professor: What do you mean it kind of escaped?

Commentator: -I'm sorry?

Professor: Either it escaped or it didn't. Which was it?

Commentator: Oh all right it escaped! The point is it found its way into the Naruto Universe, where it terrorised the local inhabitants, until the Fourth Hokage of the village of Konoha sealed it within a newly born baby who somehow already acquired a lot of hair-Don't ask me how that happened- condemning that child to a life of isolation because most people were too stupid to distinguish the between the human soul and the demonic entity- rather like how no one in Buffy and Angel could distinguish between the human who once was and the vampire demon who replaced it.

Professor: For God's sake can't you go through one speech WITHOUT ranting about 'Buffy' and 'Angel'?

Commentator: Hey, it's a major plot hole! It's bigger than all the plot holes of 'Charmed' put together.

Professor: Oh my God If I hear you rant about that series ONE MORE TIME-

Sammy: Don't be too hard Professor. He rants because he fell in love with those series, then they jumped the shark and broke his heart.

Professor: …That's extremely deep, Sammy, coming from you.

Commentator: I do not love! I just can't stand imperfections, that's all. What he should have done, however, was the sensible thing and kill the beast when-

Fourth Hokage's Ghost: For the last time, it was unkillable! Sealing it in someone was the only way to deal with it! I explained this already! Repeatedly!

Commentator: Yeah? Well what's your excuse for using your own s-

Fourth Hokage: Shh! That's not supposed to be revealed yet until chapter 367 in the manga!

Professor: Good grief, the viewers have to wait for hundreds of episodes for an important background fact to be revealed? What, does J.J Abrams write for the manga or something?

* * *

Commentator: Twelve years later…

Ninja 1: You crazy kid! How dare you vandalise our rip off of Mount Rushmore!

Ninja 2: Ahem!

Ninja 1: Sorry. Our 'homage' to Mount Rushmore!

Ninja 2: AHEM!

Ninja 1: (Groan) Our homage to Mount Rushmore.

Ninja 2: That's better!

* * *

Iruka: Naruto, this is unacceptable! You've failed the exams twice already and-

Sammy: Wait, wait, hold on for a sec! If he's failed the exams twice, does that mean he's two years older than everyone else?

Commentator: Nno. He seems to be the same age as everyone else. I don't think it's an annual thing.

Sammy: Oh. Then if the exams have already occured once, doesn't that mean that everyone else should've passed compared to the dropout?

Commentator: ...You know what, I gave up trying to understand the whole 'failed the exams three times' a long time ago.

* * *

Iruka: All right, everyone, it's time to perform the Transformation Jutsu!

(After two barely veiled character introductions later, Naruto is up. Instead of turning himself into Iruka, he turns himself into a beautiful naked woman. Iruka, naturally being torn between the image of the most beautiful thing he's ever seen and the reality that it's actually a twelve year-old boy standing in front of him, goes insane for a minute, with colour disappearing and blood somehow gushing from his nose)

Naruto: (Changes back) Haha! Like that? I call it the Sexy Transformation Jutsu!

Iruka: NARUTO, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN! IT'S VERY CREEPY AND DISTURBING!

Shikamaru: Did Naruto just say the word 'sexy'?

Ino: Yeah. What's your point?

Shikamaru: Isn't that kind of a taboo word in children's animation?

Ino: Hey yeah! It looks like whoever dubs this anime isn't so stict with the censorship compared to others!

Shikamaru: Oh thank God! Finally! This promises to be the best U.S. version of an anime ever!

* * *

Iruka: Okay then, it's time for the final exam to decided whether or not you'll become a ninja! Now, instead of testing you on all of your ninja techniques, we'll be marking you on the one jutsu that you'll probably never use! So even if you excel at all the other techniques, if you're no good at this one, you'll still fail. By the way the jutsu is the Replication Jutsu.

Naruto: But Sensei! That's the one Jutsu I can't do!

Iruka: Oh dear. Then it looks like you'll have to be held back for another year! (Heheheheh. That'll teach you for trying to make me like underaged boys!)

* * *

Mizuki: You shouldn't judge Iruka too harshly, Naruto. He only marked you harshly because you almost tore down the foundations of his moral fibre. However, there is another way to become a ninja...

* * *

Iruka: So Hokage, what was it that you wanted to tell me?

Third Hokage: As you well know, the village, or rather it's largely extra population, shunned Naruto for innocently harbouring the nine-tailed demon fox that in no way posed a threat since being trapped or its nature leaking in any way for the past twelve years. So in order to gain the village's attention, Naruto turned to pranks. Unfortunately, and ironically, it only enforced the village's belief that he was the reincarnation of the demon fox.

Iruka: Huh?

Third Hokage: You know? Foxes are associated with cunning and trickery?

Iruka: Oh. Right. Lord, why are you telling me this?

Third Hokage: What do you mean 'why am I telling you this?' you ungrateful sod? I'm giving you important background information!

* * *

Mizuki: Aha! Behold my brilliance! I duped Naruto into getting the Forbidden Scroll so that he would get the blame and I could kill him so that no one would know of my involvement! I stole the idea from a previous trecherous ninja who got his hands on a forbidden artefact by duping a ninja dropout!

Naruto: You know I don't think it counts as your own brilliance if you just completely ripped off the idea from someone else.

Mizuki: Well, er, shut up! I changed it enough so it could count as mine!

Iruka: Plus if Naruto could steal the scroll you could have easily stolen it yourself.

Mizuki: Well I THOUGHT that if I got Naruto to get it for me, then he'd get all the blame and nobody would suspect that I had anything to do with it. I thought that was kinda obvious.

Iruka: Oh please, that was just about as obvious as the reason why the Fourth Hokage didn't kill the Nine Tails instead of sealing him in Naruto was because it was unkillable!

(Wind blows and a tumbleweed rolls by)

Mizuki: So…what's your point?

Iruka: …I'm not entirely sure.

Naruto: Wait, the Fourth Hokage did what to me?

Iruka: Errrrrr…

Mizuki: Oh thanks a lot, Iruka, I was supposed to reveal to Naruto the scarring revelation. And for that, you get to be skewered by my large, pointy, throwing thing (Says it as he throws it)

Iruka: Hey! You totally stole that from 'Naruto the Abridged Series'!

Mizuki: I did not! I was paying homage to 'Naruto the Abridged Series'!

Iruka: OW! Well, I guess it's good as time as ever to tell you Naruto, that I was just the same as your age. I grew up without parents or family, so in order to gain everyone's attention, I deliberately messed up during training, because nobody pays attention to a good student.

Commentator: What are you talking about? Students look up to the brilliant students, just look at Sasuke Uchiha!

Iruka and Naruto: ...I feel as though I have made major mistakes in my life.

Commentator: No kidding!

* * *

Naruto: Don't worry, Iruka Sensei! I'll stop him! With a technique I just learnt from the forbidden scroll!

Mizuki: You actually learnt a whole new technique in a matter of minutes! There's no way you could have done that like some hero of a novel or manga series! Oh wait.

Naruto: Shadow Clone Jutsu!

Naruto and Shadow Clones: Now it's time to fight the one-off villain!

Mizuki: ...I'm totally f****d, aren't I?

Naruto and Shadow Clones: Yep. SLAPSTICK COMEDY JUTSU!

* * *

Naruto: Hey, why exactly was that technique in the forbidden scroll?

Iruka: Well, sending sentient life to oblivion only moments after it had been created was deemed pretty unethical.

Naruto: -Oh. Right. Well it's still gonna become my insignia move!

Iruka: You do that. By the way, I think I was pretty harsh about failing you, so in return for saving my life and using a forbidden technique more powerful than the one you were marked for, I'm going to make you a genin.

Naruto: Really? Isn't this kinda unprofessional?

Iruka: Yeah well you're the main character, so if you don't become a genin, the series will end.

Naruto: Yay!

(Jumps on Iruka)

Iruka: OW, MY SPINE!

THE END


	2. Konohamaru

**I do not own Naruto or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my otaku and ninja loving friends to the second installment of 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): The Zabuza saga'. Originally it was to be called 'The Land Of Waves Arc', but sadly it was too big to fit in the title, so we had to use the alternate name for Season 1 instead. Before we begin I'd like to look at a few reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor opens the shoot, and three reviews fall out).

Commentator: Holy crap, we actually got reviews? I'd thought no one would pay attention to another Naruto abridged series!

Professor: It's even better, Sir! According to the scouter, the hits level is over one hundred.

Commentator: WHAT, ONE HUNDRED?

Professor: And three favourite stories and one story alert.

Commentator: WOW! It's done way better than FMA Abridged on it's first chapter!

Professor: Well Naruto is more popular than Full Metal Alchemist.

Commentator: I guess there's that. Now then on to the reviews! This one is from Hanari-Chan:

There is only one word for this ... LOL XD that was completely randomful! Yay! I can't wait for the next chapter!

Hanari-chan

Commentator: I like this review, and I am glad that Hanari-Chan can't wait for the next chapter! Now, the second review is from Bakablue:

You know, one thing I never got, after the time skip when they had to rescue Gaara, the entrance to the cave was sealed right, and Sakura was strong enough to break though boulders, I keep thinking wouldn't it be easier if Sakura just broke through the wall instead, making another entrance instead of that unsealing thing...

O-kay....I'm not entirely sure what this has to do with this parody, although it is true she could've just made another hole. Anyway, our final review is from Zero Sakura Cross:

There had better be more coming up...

Shikamaru: Oh thank God! Finally! This promises to be the best U.S. version of an anime ever!

Naruto: Believe IT! (...I did not just say that did I?)

Shikamaru: ...I take that back...

HAHAHAHAAAAAAA! This was really funny! Someone here has got good comical talent! Although it would have worked better if there was another line after Naruto said 'Believe it!' which said (Silence) Then Naruto saying 'I did not just say that, did I?' and Shikamaru saying 'it' rather than that-

Professor: SIR! DON'T CORRECT THE REVIEWER!

Commentator: What, I'm just giving tips!

Professor: If it was anyone else, I would be okay, but since it's you...Let's just say you don't have very good tact.

Commentator: Hey, I'm totally tactful! I'm a tactician!

(Silence)

Commentator: Point taken. Thank you for your reviews everyone! Keep them coming! Now without further ado, here's 'Konohamaru'!

* * *

Commentator: A week ago, Naruto passed his first obstacle into becoming a ninja. Now he must pass his second: A perfect picture.

* * *

Naruto: So? Like my photo?

Third Hokage: Naruto, did you really expect us to accept this thing?

Naruto: Not until I've screwed with your head! Sexy Transformation Jutsu!

Third Hokage: Bwahhh! It's so beautiful- and yet it's actually a twelve year old boy!

(Eyes go white as he falls over)

Iruki: How was that supposed to convince him?

Third: You're only fulfilling the belief that you're the reincarnation of the demon fox you know! Which would have made a much more interesting storyline come to think of it.

Naruto: Huh? What are you talking about?

Third: You know! According to Japanese folklore foxes have the power to take on the form of beautiful women, even if they're male foxes!

Commentator: I've heard of the term 'foxy', but that's just ridiculous!

Professor: I don't think people will see beautiful women in the same light again!

Third Hokage: So Naruto, how come you're not wearing your ninja band?

Naruto: I'm saving it for the ceremony.

Third Hokage: Hmm. That's strange. You don't care if you muck up your photo, but you care about your appearance at the ceremony?

Dubbers: Oh sure, blame the dubbers if a character is contradictory.

Third Hokage: I didn't say anything.

Dubbers: You were thinking it! Everyone blames the mediocrity of a U.S. version of an anime on the dubbers! If a farmer survives having a bullet flung into his head, blame the dubbers. If pirates somehow own a dungeon, the dubbers are behind it. If the dialogue of a series has been grounded into mush with loads of corny lines so that children can take it in better, IT'S THE DUBBERS' FAULT!

Naruto: Oh all right, I'm just a bit cautious about taking them off! I'm worried that once they're gone, I'll no longer be the main character!

Third: I think you're thinking of the wrong anime.

* * *

Konohamaru: Hey Mister! Mind if I become your pupil?

Naruto: Not at all, kid! The first thing you've gotta do as a ninja is: Believe it!

Konhamaru: -Do I have to?

Naruto: Yes.

Commentator: Okay, that does it, I'm sick of this U.S. dialogue for little children- even if the word 'sexy' was used earlier. I'm switching to the Japanese version, that'll bound to be less of the equivalent of baby mush.

Ten minutes later.

Commentator: Wow. The dub was surprisingly accurate. Even the whole 'catra' thing was originally there! I take back my complaints about the dub.

Professor: Although the whole 'believe it' wasn't there, and the reason he wasn't wearing the head band was because it was irritable. Wonder why that never came up sometime later in the anime/manga?

* * *

Iruka: Well, Naruto fixed his photo. Off-screen that is.

Third Hokage: Iruka, did you know that the Fourth Hokage wanted Naruto to be remembered a hero?

Iruka: Errrrr, no? And what has that got to do with anything?

Third Hokage: When he sealed the Nine-Tails, effectively using Naruto as a pokeball, his last dying wish was for the village to see Naruto as the hero who contained the Nine-Tails, and not the Pocket Monster itself. Unfortunately, his words fell on deaf ears...

* * *

Ninja 1: The mutant Nine-Tails is gone!

Konoha: HOORAY!

Fourth Hokage: But alas...I am dying.

Konoha: OH NO!

Villager 1: Do not worry, Lord Hokage! We shall never forget you, and we shall build a statue of your head! Right next to the others.

Fourth Hokage: Please! I only have a few requests.

Villager 2: We shall abide them religiously!

Fourth Hokage: All I want...is for the values of the ninja to remain in the hearts of Konoha's ninjas.

Konoha: We shall do as you command!

Fourth Hokage: ...And treat the jinchuuriki...as the hero who controls the monster....and not the monster itself.

(Silence)

Villager 1: -What was that?

Fourth Hokage: I said treat the nine-tails jinchuuriki as the hero who controls the monster and not the monster itself.

Villager 2: Sorry Lord Hokage, I didn't quite hear you. Your voice is too quiet!

Fourth Hokage: TREAT NARUTO UZUMAKI AS THE HERO AND NOT THE MONSTER!

Villager 3: Did anyone catch that?

Villager 4: It sounded like 'treacle tart is the best food for zero fat intake'.

Villager 5: I thought he said 'eat ramen as the top food and not a side dish'?

Villager 6: No, no, it was 'Teach Naruto Uzumaki that he's a zero as well as a monster'!

Villager 1: We shall do as you say, Lord. We shall not only remind Naruto Uzumaki that he's a loser, and teach our children to treat him as such, but we will also remember that he's the reincarnation of the demon fox!

Konoha: HOORAY!

Fourth: Damn you...Konoha...

* * *

Iruka: But isn't that hypocritical? The village venerate the Fourth, yet they don't follow what he said?

Third Hokage: They're no different from any other fanatic.

(BOM BOM BOM CH)

* * *

Naruto: (Groan) (Rubs cheek) How did they know who I really was?

Konohamaru: I think the Orange Jumpsuit was a give away.

Ebisu: Young Master! Come away from that boy! He's got a demon inside of him!

Konohamaru: Never! Transformation No Jutsu!

Ebisu: BWAAAAA! Wh-what devilish knowledge has he been teaching you? Changing into a woman? Next you'll be wearing high heels and hitting on boys! He's clearly being a bad influence on you! Now come with me, trans-sexuality goes against the Fourth's teachings.

Naruto: Unhand him you Villain of the Week! Shadow Clone No Jutsu!

Ebisu: Pffft. I could easily defeat all of these Shadow Clones!

Naruto: That may be so. But can you touch them if they're all women?

Ebisu: ...I don't quite follow.

Narutos: HAREM NO JUTSU!

Ebisu: BWAAAAAAAAAAH! TRANSSEXUALS!

Shadow Clone: Hey mister? Want to play?

Ebisu: No! No! Keep away from me! Even though you look like hot women, you're actually twelve year old boys! AAH! (Jumps into the air) Looks like Ebisu is blasting off again! (Lands with a thud, looking very traumatised)

Naruto: Heheh. I think I broke his brain.

* * *

Commentator: Meanwhile, at Naruto's house...

Kakashi: So this is Naruto's house, eh? Okay, this just raises so many questions that I don't know which one to ask first.

Third: Try me.

Kakashi: Okay. First of all, how is a minor able to live on his own? Secondly, if Naruto's been on his own his whole life then who looked after him as a baby, I mean it's not like he changed his own nappies! (That's diapers to any American watching this) Thirdly, isn't this breaking and entering and violating someone's property? And fourthly, how did we get in?

Third: In answer to your first question, as can be seen from other anime children are able to live on their own provided that they are financially supported from elsewhere, meaning me in this case. Secondly, I'm sure that question will be answered at some point in the manga. Thirdly, Konoha is a dictatorship, people don't have rights of privacy, and fourthly, we're ninjas. Breaking and entering is what we do. That and the door was unlocked.

Kakashi: Explains why's there so little stuff here and why everything's a mess.

Third: Er, yeah.

(Kakashi picks up the carton of milk on the table)

Third: Uh oh. You're not about to shake that carton and say 'heheh, moo' are you?

Kakashi: (Groan) I hate 'Naruto the Abridged Series'.

THE END

* * *

Commentator: Wait a minute! Anonymius, get down here!

**(Groan) What is it, Commentator?**

Commentator: What the Hell is this? You just completely skipped most of episode 3!

**Com, you know my Rule No. 1. a) of satire: If a scene or scenes cannot be made fun of, then it's not worth including.**

Commentator: But what about how no one found it odd that Sasuke left his house out of the window after 'beating' Naruto and, even more bizarrely, smiling?

**Well I don't need to worry about that anymore, do I?**

Commentator: Including the whole episode wouldn't have been a problem for Vegeta3986 and MasakoX.

**Yes, but I'm not Vegeta3986 or MasakoX, am I? I have my own style of satire. I mean do you really expect me to do every single episode of Naruto?**

Commentator: Point taken.


	3. Zabuza, Demon of the Mist

**I do not own Naruto or anything related.**

* * *

Professor: Sir, what are you doing?

Commentator: I'm just browsing the internet on Anonymius' account. Hehe, this is payback for cutting out most of episode three of Naruto. I'm just checking out a few topics in 'Addicted to Naruto'-what-the-Hell?

Professor: What?

Commentator: No! NO! SAY IT'S NOT SO!

Professor: What is it?

Commentator: It's- IT'S TOO HORRIBLE TO SPEAK OF!

Professor: Will you just tell me what's the problem?

Commentator: Apparently the trailer for Naruto Shippuden the dub has come out.

Professor: Oh. And?

Commentator: THEY HAVEN'T REPLACED MAILLE FLANNIGAN AS NARUTO'S VOICE ACTOR!

Professor: Is that bad?

Commentator: Is that- I CAN'T STAND MAILLE FLANNIGAN'S VOICE! Her voice as Naruto sounds like scratching a chalkboard!

Professor: Sir, that's a bit unfair, isn't it?

Commentator: You're right. It only sounds like scratching a chalkboard when Naruto gets all excited or angry. I mean I would have thought that since US media creates the illusion that teenagers fifteen and above look like people in their twenties, that Viz Media would have recast a male actor to play fifteen and a half year old Naruto. But no, they've kept the same, annoying Maille Flannigan. Naruto Shippuden the dub was supposed to be my salvation, and Viz Media, whatever illogical reason they had, mucked it up! I haven't been this outraged since I learnt that Piccolo was gonna be pink in the Dragonball movie. AND THAT DECISION I CAN UNDERSTAND! I mean have you ever heard a fifteen year old who sounds twelve? Have you?

Professor: Er, no.

Commentator: I mean it's as if he hasn't gone through puberty, I mean seriously, a tall fifteen year old who hasn't gone through puberty?

Professor: Well I've seen the trailer. It does use alot of material from Naruto, maybe there's a chance they have recasted the voice actors.

Commentator: They'd better! Otherwise I'm boycotting the dubbed series!

Professor: Sir, that has about the same amount of chance happening as Sammy's boycott of 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince'! You know, I hear that they'll be posting the episodes on the official website.

Commentator: Finally! An internet episode that doesn't make me feel guilty watching it! Now while I'm here, I might as well check any reviews we've got. Hey, here's one from Zero Sakura Cross!

This is good for a laugh. Man I can't remember that far back...The first Series of Naruto kinda...broke my brain. Much bigger fan of the second series..

And...Oh heavens the birth of all those Naru-Sasu Yaoi fics is coming up soon isn't it?

On another note, I've gotta say I never really looked so deeply into this or any show...Nice insight into things.

I'm afraid I don't know about the Naru-Sasu fics. Hey, was there alot of insight in the last chapter?

Professor: Let me see. Hmm, well, there's the whole 'foxes were said to take on the form of beautiful women' and all that stuff about transexuality!

Commentator: Anonymius just knows stuff about Japanese Mythology. Plus when you're trying to create a parody, you've got to use more insight! Okay, let's see if there are others.

**Commentator!**

Commentator: Uh oh. Hey, Anon, how's it going?

**WHAT are you doing looking at my emails?**

Commentator: Er, just checking if you got any reviews! By the way, you have loads of unread emails.

**Yes, I know. Don't remind me. Now then, don't you have somewhere to be?**

Commentator: Huh? Oh right! Come, Professor! Let us commentate on Naruto!

Professor: Like I have a choice.

* * *

Commentator: (Ahem) Last time on Naruto Abridged, our hero had defeated his second villain of all time. Later he joined his new ninja team, with Sakura Haruno, a girl he has a crush on. Huh, really? I'm used to the hero and heroine being all quarrelling and denying any feelings they have for each other.

Professor: Yeah, I think Naruto is slightly older than Ash Ketchum!

Commentator: The other team member is genius ninja Sasuke Uchiha. Wait, genius ninja? That doesn't sound right! That's like calling someone a genius soldier!

Professor: I guess that whatever Japanese word has been translated as 'genius' applies to any field, not just those of the intellectual category.

Commentator: I guess. And finally these three are led by elite ninja Kakashi Hatake. Yeah, nothing to comment here. Together, these four go on a lot of missions together, and have just now returned from their latest mission: Saving a cat. Wait. Saving a cat? You've got to be kidding me!

Naruto: I wish we were.

Professor: Hey! What's wrong with saving a cat? Cats are noble, elegant creatures that regality comes to naturally!

* * *

Feudal Lord's Wife: Oh thank you so much for rescuing my cat!

Naruto: I'm surprised that cat was able to travel all the way from- wherever the feudal family lives- to the forests near the Leaf Village!

* * *

Naruto: Say Hokage, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. All of these missions we've be doing. Finding cats, babysitting, helping with groceries, walking dogs. What exactly does any of this have to do with being a ninja?

Hokage: Absolutely nothing.

Naruto: THEN WHY ARE WE DOING THESE?

Hokage: Because you're only children and you shouldn't be doing anything dangerous. We'd be very irresponsible adults if we let the kids do stuff meant for adults!

Naruto: Then what is the point of recruiting at such a young age if we're not even going to do the proper ninja stuff?

Hokage: Okay Naruto, I'm gonna be frank with you. As part of the Shonen genre, we're compelled to enlist kids in the adult sphere, however, in order to ground the series in reality, we emphasise on how children should not actually do any of the stuff that adults actually do, and that is why Naruto is the best shonen anime ever.

Random Ninja: What about Fullmetal Alchemist?

Hokage: Get out of my village!

Naruto: Well I don't care! I've had enough of these lame-o missions! People aren't watching this just to see us do chores for the next 100 episodes, they want to see some action! I'm not the kid who played pranks anymore!

Random Villager Off Screen: Someone messed up my vegetables!

Hokage: Naruto, you instantly convince me with your short, whiney speech that you should be given something more serious, so I'll give your team a C mission!

Naruto: What's a C mission?

Hokage: Ninja missions are divided into A, B, C, and D, each category easier than the last. We start ninjas off with D missions, eventually progressing through the harder categories. Usually Genins do C and D missions, Chuunins B and C, and Jounins A and B.

Naruto: -Genin-Chuunin-Jounin?

Hokage: Haven't the ranks of ninja been explained to you already?

Naruto: Errrrrrrrrrrr……

Iruka: Actually, Lord Hokage, I'm not sure it's been properly explained to the audience either.

Hokage: Whose side are you on? Groan. All right then. Basically there are three ranks of ninja. Genin, Chuunin and Jounin. Each one more advanced than the last. Got it?

Naruto: So where does the Hokage fit in?

Hokage: I think I'll let Kakashi explained that to you later.

Kakashi: What? But, Hokage-Sama-

Naruto: Wait, why are we using the Latin alphabet to label the missions? I thought we were Japanese, shouldn't they be- actually, what are the first four letters of the Japanese Alphabet?

Hokage: Because this way we stop the Americans from making any cheesy alterations in order to appeal to a western audience, now do you want this C mission or am I going to have to put you on litter duty instead?

Naruto: NO WAIT DON'T! The C mission is fine.

Commentator: Actually, I've checked this out. Because all Japanese writing systems use thousands of symbols they're not ordered by convention like the Roman alphabet. Therefore there is not this concept of 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th letter within Japanese writing systems.

Hokage: Yes, thank you for that, Commentator. Ahem, you can come in now!

(Tazuna walks in)

Naruto: How long has that guy been standing behind that door?

Tazuna: These are going to be my protectors? They don't look very tough, especially that shrimp!

Naruto: HAHAHAHA! Whose the shrimp? (Sasuke and Sakura walk near Naruto, revealing himself as the shortest in the group) I'LL KILL YOU!

Kakashi: (Grabs Naruto by the neck of his jumpsuit) You can't kill the person we're supposed to protect, stupid.

Sasuke: Don't worry, Naruto. I'm sure once you've reached puberty like the rest of us pre-adolescents, you'll be a giant!

Naruto: Was that a penis joke at my expense? I'LL KILL YOU!

Kakashi: (Still grabbing Naruto by the neck of his jumpsuit)

Kakashi: You can't kill your fellow teammate either, stupid.

Hokage: Groan, why are all these Shonen heroes so hyperactive?

Iruka: (Looking at Sakura) Probably the same reason why all the shonen heroines are always angry and useless, (Looking at Sasuke) why all the shonen rivals are calm, arrogant and better than the hero to start off with, (Looking at Kakashi) And why all the teachers are calm and reserved.

Hokage: Team 7? They should rename themselves Team Cliché! Actually…(Looks at name on sheet, then moves pen towards it)

Iruka: No! Bad Hokage! No changing their name!

Hokage: Awwww.

* * *

Tazuna: Okay, so you're to take me to my home village in the Land of Waves, so you'd better not screw it up, kid!

Naruto: Man, I get why the village hates me but why do you have a problem with me?

Tazuna: A passing ninja told me to watch out for a blond haired shrimp because something about him being the reincarnation of a demon that tried to destroy the village.

* * *

Random Ninja: Yeah? I was mad at being banished so I broke the taboo, so sue me! Oh wait you can't, since I've been banished!

Commentator: Who are you talking to?

Random Ninja: I-don't-know….

* * *

Kakashi: Okay, while we journey to the Land of Waves, I think now's as good as time as ever to explain to you guys the world we live in.

Sasuke: Do you have to?

Kakashi: Don't you think our viewers deserve to know a bit more about our world? Now then, (Map replaces the scene) this is the world of Naruto.

Naruto: Wait. That's it? That's our entire world? Kinda small, don't you think?

Kakashi: Well it doesn't include any filler lands.

Naruto: That's more plausible, I guess. But seriously, in the manga, that's all there is in the world?

Kakashi: Well-

Sasuke: Naruto's got a point. I mean it looks no bigger than Japan and the eastern bit of China.

Kakashi: Now then, it could just be the known world-

Sakura: Seriously, can you imagine a planet that's only the size of eastern China and Japan?

Naruto: Yeah, that'd probably be smaller than the moon!

Sasuke: And imagine the weak gravity a planet like that should have! Course, it could explain how we're able to defy the laws of gravity so easily-

Kakashi: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Sasuke: -I'm just trying to rationalise our world, that's all!

Kakashi: Look, I'm not the one who came up with this world, okay? If you have a problem, take it up with Masashi Kishimoto. Oh wait you can't, cos for whatever reason this website bans any fic from featuring a living character on pain of barring even though media does it all the time and the idea of a talking manga comic to take the mangaka's place has already been used!

Naruto: You know, I don't think anyone actually listens to the guidelines.

Sasuke: Yeah, there's loads of stuff on the website with material that defies the guidelines. Plus the most that seems to happen is just removal of the stuff-

Kakashi: Didn't I just tell you to shut the Hell up?

Sasuke: Yes Sir.

Kakashi: (Ahem) Anyway, the five largest countries are the countries of Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Lightning. Each of these countries have a ninja village. Each of these villages is headed by a kage, who is above the other ranks of ninja. We have the Hokage, others are the Tsuchikage, Kazekage, Mizukage, and Raikage. Any questions?

Naruto: Yeah, what-

Kakashi: None? Okay then.

Naruto: But Kakashi-

Kakashi: THOUSAND YEARS OF-

Naruto: Okay, okay! I haven't got anymore questions!

Kakashi: Good....

* * *

Naruto: I need to prove myself, so I'm going to act like a total idiot and make my companions constantly jump! Believe it!

Tazuna: Shudder. What was that?

Sasuke: It's Naruto's catchphrase.

Tazuna: He has a catchphrase? Why?

Kakashi: We don't know.

Sakura: What we do know is that it's the US replacement for his Japanese catchphrase 'Dattebayo'.

Tazuna: And that means 'Believe it' I take it?

Kakashi: Er, no, it's untranslatable. Although it people who end their sentences with 'ayo' denotes someone of vogue character, but because it can't be translated Viz Media came up with 'Believe it'.

Tazuna: And they couldn't come up with anything better?

Kakashi: Apparently not.

Tazuna: It's a shame, really. At least 'Dattebayo' doesn't feel like scratching a chalkboard.

Sakura: Yeah. By the way, Sasuke, what was up with how you said Naruto's name earlier?

Sasuke: What do you mean, Sakura?

Sakura: There, you just did it again! What's with you putting on a Japanese accent whenever you say a Japanese name? Isn't it kinda out of place with your American accent?

Sasuke: Hey, I'm only pronouncing the names as they should be! Just be glad I don't pronounce his name 'Nerooto'.

Kakashi: By the way, Naruto, I shouldn't get too excited. C missions tend to protect their clients against people like bandits rather than trained ninjas. This mission should be easy going.

* * *

ONE EPISODE LATER

* * *

Kakashi: (In the water ball) Well this could have gone better.

Zabuza: (Evil Chuckle)

Naruto: All right, it's time for Team 7 to prove itself by fighting the villain or the arc! And by Team 7 I mean me and Sasuke!

Sakura: What about me?

Naruto: You just stand there and cheer us on! Now then, Shadow Clone Jutsu! ATTACK!

Tazuna: Where's that music coming from?

Sasuke: I don't know but it's kinda catchy.

(Naruto and clones jump on Zabuza)

Naruto: It is inevitable, Mr Zabuza.

(Zabuza grunts and knocks Naruto and the clones away with his super human strength)

* * *

Naruto: Aha! You fell for my plan to release Sensei! Believe it!

Zabuza: I cannot!

Naruto: Now Kakashi Sensei can defeat you! Believe it!

Commentator: Groan, must you end every sentence with 'Believe it'?

Naruto: -What do people have against my catchphrase?

Commentator: For one thing it sounds too much like 'Heart of the Cards.'

Naruto: And that's bad because…?

Commentator: What, you mean apart from teaching kids that gambing is good for you?

* * *

Kakashi: Now, Zabuza, I shall kill you.

(Zabuza's image freezes as the vague sounds of things flying through the air and hitting something can be heard)

Sakura: Hey, what's going on?

(Next we see Zabuza on the ground, apparently dead.)

Naruto: What just happened? Can somebody explain to me what just happened?

Kakashi: Perhaps that boy over there can shed some light.

Commentator: That's a boy?

Kakashi: Er, yeah. He's no older than Naruto.

Commentator: Huh. Looks like a girl to me.

Kakashi: I assure you, it's a boy.

Haku: Don't worry. I simply used my image freezing jutsu. Basically it omits any scene or moment portraying anything too violent for children without omitting the sound, causing the editing to focus on just one frame of animation. While my opponent is frozen, I can attack him. Next thing you know your opponent's dead without it being made perfectly clear what killed him.

Naruto: I thought this dub didn't bother with scarring the kids?

Kakashi: Unfortunately this episode of Naruto is being broadcasted by Jetix and they're alot more picky about what kids watch than Cartoon Network. Actually, they're almost as bad as 4Kids!

Naruto: At least 4Kids never ruined a story by disrupting the flow of the story!

Haku: Now I shall take this body away. (Haku and Zabuza vanished)

Naruto: I'm punching the ground for no properly clear reason! Believe it!

Professor: I really can't.

Commentator: (Groan) If he says 'Believe It' one more time, just ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna hit him over the head with a mallet!

* * *

Naruto: Oh no! Kakashi Sensei has collapsed! Believe it!

Professor: Now that I can believe.

Commentator: I WARNED YOU, NARUTO UZUMAKI! HAMMERSTRIKE!

(Whack)

Sasuke: Great, now they're both unconscious.

Commentator: Hey, I just helped your series! I have to do despicable things to fight against mediocrity!

* * *

Commentator: Oh my God, if I hear one more banana joke about the banana-gators, I am going to hit someone!

Luffy: But you can't crack banana jokes! You peel them!

Commentator: THAT'S IT! YOU WERE WARNED!

WHACK

Commentator: Actually, now that I think about it, I can't risk any of you.

WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK

Professor: Sir, YOU JUST KNOCKED OUT THE ENTIRE MAIN CAST OF ONE PIECE!

* * *

Commentator: Ah, good times.

TO BE CONTINUED...

* * *

**Oh by the way I don't own any One Piece character or anything related either!**


	4. Believe It! Whack

**I do not own Naruto or anything related.**

**

* * *

**

Commentator: Do you know what I just realised, Professor? That bastard Anonymius cut out two episodes last time! Professor? Sammy? Minions 1, 2 and 3? Anybody? Where is everyone?

Professor: (Huff) Sorry I'm late, Sir! Me and the minions were just out doing some last minute Christmas shopping!

Commentator: -Christmas shopping?

Professor: Yeah. Bring it in, boys!

(Minions drag in a giant Christmas tree)

Professor: This will be perfect in the great hall!

(Ropes are thrown over the tree, which is hauled upwards)

Commentator: Where did you get a Christmas tree so big?

Professor: The mad scientist did something to it. Something about genetic modification.

(Minions dance as they place tinsel around the tree)

Minions: Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The batmobile, lost its wheel, the joker got away, hey! Jingle-

Commentator: Oh Lordy. If my rivals could see me now, my reputation would be instantly vapourised.

Sammy: Actually Boss, I think you're reputation was already vapourised a long time ago.

(The Commentator whacks him. Winged minions fly up to place the balls)

Winged Minions: Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh, on the streets we go, laughing all the way, hahaha, make the-

Commentator: Lawyer! Why aren't you stopping them? Isn't there some copyright infringement they're infringing with their singing?

Lawyer: I wish there was, but sadly no one owns Christmas carols.

Commentator: DAMN YOU, PUBLIC DOMAIN! And I never thought I'd say that.

(MOMENTS LATER...)

Professor: There. Now all there's left to put on is the Christmas Fairy.

Commentator: Christmas Fairy...?

Professor: Teneko, since you're the largest, you get to do the honours.

Teneko: HOORAY! I'M BEING USEFUL!

Professor: There. Now Sir, what do you think?

(The Commentator looks at the tree)

Commentator: TIMBOOOOOOOO!

(Kicks the tree aside, sending it falling over. Fortunately Teneko catches it)

Professor: Sir! Don't knock down the Christmas Tree! Didn't you see how much effort we put in it?

Commentator: Oh sorry, Professor, I don't know what I was thinking. (Did I just apologise? OH NO! I'VE GONE SOFT IN MY OLD AGE!)

Professor: All right, everyone! Time to wrap up the presents! I'm sorry Sir, but you'll have to leave. We can't have you looking at your presents!

Commentator: You- you got me something? Prof, that's so- NO, NO! (Slaps himself several times) SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU ARE A HARDENED INTERDIMENSIONAL WARLORD, STOP BEING SO SENTIMENTAL! Shudder. Maybe reading a few reviews will get me in a critical mood:

Heh...Team Clichè

Oh...Um...there's a Lot of Naru-Sasu Fics on this site...If I'm not mistaken that category is larger than any other paring in this section of the site...

That alone is just...Scary. 170+ in the K to T division...

Wait, they're showing it on Jetix now?

Shameless Plug: You should watch Chaos Head...Really new, really awesome. Doesn't make much sense to start out with though.

Zero Sakura Cross

I know that in the U.S. Naruto is show on Cartoon Network but over here in the U.K. (That's England to some of you reading this even though England as an independent country doesn't actually exist and what is England is merely a constituent part of the United Kingdom of Britain and Northern Ireland that includes Scotland and Wales) it's shown on Jetix. Up to that episode with the baths, that is. And believe me. They're alot more strict at what is suitable for children than Cartoon Network.

Clock: TING!

Commentator: What the? I HAVEN'T EVEN FINSIHED RESPONDING TO THIS REVIEW!

Clock: SORRY. THIS PARODY HAS ALREADY GONE WAY OVER THE 2,000 WORD LIMIT. RULES ARE RULES.

Commentator: Grrr. I swear that thing's my arch-nemesis!

Professor: What about your brother?

Commentator: He's second worst. Third after the Lawyer.

* * *

Tazuna: Tell me, Healer. Is he going to be fine?

Healer: Don't worry, he'll be fine. I recognise these symptoms. Whenever someone becomes too aware of the dub, the mismatching of the mouth flaps and the fact it's not meant to be played in English becomes too much for the viewer and unless they change the screen they pass out. I've seen cases like these in a number of otaku, but no condition this severe. I Hear the sharingan increases the power of sight, and the user sees things that no one else notices.

Sasuke: It could explain why he always has it covered.

Healer: He'll be all right just as long as he rests and doesn't stand upside down anywhere.

Tazuna: That's good to hear. And what about the boy?

Healer: Oh he just suffered a mild concussion. He'll be awake and fully recovered soon.

Sasuke: A mild con- A GIANT MALLET WAS SMASHED OVER HIS HEAD!

Healer: Well from the looks of it, it was a toony mallet. They're not that dangerous, the most damage they do is knockouts.

Commentator: Hold on, HOLD ON! Who the frell are you?

Healer: I'm the Healer. Wasn't that obvious?

Commentator: B-but you're not even in this scene! You're not even in this cartoon!

Healer: What are you talking about? I'm a staple character in the Land of Waves Arc.

Commentator: Dude, I read up on the material I comment on. And I know for certain that there's no such character as 'Healer' in Naruto!

Healer: But I'm an integral character in the manga. See? (Manga page comes up, showing the Healer tending to Kakashi)

Sammy: Well it seems legit to me.

Commentator: That doesn't seem right at all!

Healer: (Prepares to leave the house) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to pick some herbs in the nearby forest, so I might bump into you ninjas again some time soon.

* * *

Naruto: (Groan) What happened?

Sasuke: You got hit over the head by the Commentator because you said your lame catchphrase one too many times!

Naruto: Well I feel better now! Believe it!

WHACK

Sasuke: Well, so much for him being conscious.

* * *

Haku: Don't worry, Zabuza. I faked your death so that I could save you. (Gets up) Hey. Does that background look fake to you?

* * *

Kakashi: Feeling better, Naruto?

Naruto: Yeah. Thanks, Kakashi-Sensei. By the way, I've been meaning to ask. Why do we keep calling you Kakashi Sensei? Shouldn't it be Sensei Kakashi?

Kakashi: No, because in Japan the title comes after the name. We're trying to introduce Japanese culture unlike most U.S. versions.

Naruto: If that's the case, then why stop there? Why not have our last names first and our first names last, or keep the honorifics like kun and san and chan, or even keep my original catchphrase that doesn't suck?

Kakashi: Hey, let's not completely confuse our audience with concepts they don't understand!

Naruto: I'm just saying, having Sensei after the name feels out of place with all the changes to make this series appeal to an American audience!

* * *

Kakashi: Does anyone know what kind of weapon the boy used to kill Zabuza?

(Everyone shakes their heads)

Kakashi: Sasuke? This is the part where you say 'Gasp! Needles!'

Sasuke: And how am I supposed to know that? One minute Zabuza was standing, the next he was dead!

Kakashi: Ah right, of course, the Image Freezing No Jutsu. Fortunately my Sharingan is able to look through the technique. Well I have this feeling that Zabuza's not really dead and it was all a ruse to get him to safety.

Naruto: Well even if he is alive, I say we can fight him! Believe it!

Commentator: YOU JUST DON'T LEARN, DO YOU, NARU-BOY?

Inari: I don't believe it!

(Commentator stops in mid-whacking)

Tazuna: Everyone, this is my grandson, Inari.

Naruto: Oh, like the Japanese Rice god!

Kakashi: -Yes Naruto, like the Japanese rice god.

Naruto: You know, Inari was supposed to have a special connection with foxes.

Kakashi: What's your point?

Naruto: I dunno, just thought I'd mention it.

Sasuke: Yeah, but Naruto, those are special white foxes, he doesn't have anything to do with other foxes, even magical ones!

* * *

Inari: Why do you have fake fox whiskers on your face, did you just have your face painted as an animal or something?

Naruto: -What fox whiskers?

Tsunami: Actually, I wasn't going to say anything, but what's with those whiskers?

Sasuke: What whiskers?

Tazuna: You seriously can't see them? They're right there on his face! You have to be completely blind not to be able to see them!

Kakashi: Hmm. Perhaps the whiskers aren't really there. Maybe it's just symbolism that Naruto has the nine-tailed fox within him, like how probably the reason why no one finds it odd how Yugi Moto suddenly grows and his voice deepens then he goes back again is just symbolic of the Pharoah taking over his body! He might not really be short at all and it's just symbolic of how timid and child-like he is!

Professor: Hey, weren't you going to hit Naruto over the head with a mallet?

Commentator: Eh, Inari made fun of the catchphrase for me, it's unnecessary when someone does that.

* * *

Naruto: That-ow! Kid-ow! I'm gonna-ow! Teach him a-ow! Lesson.

Commentator: You know, maybe you'd stop falling on the stairs if you kept your eyes opened.

Naruto: Shut up, I know what I'm doing-OW!

* * *

Kakashi: Okay, everyone. Today's assignment is: climb a tree.

Naruto: Climb a tree?

Sasuke: Seriously?

Kakashi: Yes. Climb a tree.

Naruto: All right, I'm on to it! Believe it!

Commentator: HOW MANY TIMES AM I SUPPOSED TO WHACK YOU OVER THE HEAD BEFORE IT SINKS IN?

Naruto: Ow, my head!

Sasuke: that's a nasty bump on the head he got from falling off the tree!

Kakashi: Actually I think he got that bump from the Commentator.

* * *

Kakashi: Whoa! This is unbelievable! The most useless character in a fight achieved my task better than the two who actually do anything!

Naruto: Won't the blood rush to his head standing upside down like that?

Kakashi: Ohhhh. Hey. Does anyone else notice everything spinning out of control?

(Kakashi falls off the tree)

Ground: CRASH!

Healer: I told him not to go upside down anywhere.

* * *

Kakashi: I have decided, and this has nothing to do with the fact that I fell off the tree, that this task is a rather pointless exercise and that it's best just to give up on it.

Sakura: WHAT? B-but Sensei, this has been the only thing I've been really good at in this series!

Naruto: Being a useless exercise is probably why.

(Everyone roars into laughter, banging the ground)

Sakura: (Walking away) You know what, screw you guys! I'm off to see if Tazuna needs any help.

* * *

Mugger: Oo! Money!

Sakura: HEY! GET OFF MY ASS, YOU PERVERT! ROUND HOUSE KICK NO JUTSU, HIYA!

Mugger: OOF!

Tazuna: You know if you were that combat active regularly, people wouldn't make fun of you for being such a useless character.

Sakura: It's not that I'm useless! It's that people never give me a chance! Haven't you watched the opening credits?

Tazuna: Yeah, but that same opening shows Naruto and Sasuke all buddy, enough said.

* * *

Naruto: Hey Tazuna, I've been meaning to ask. Why is your grandson all, er, emo? No offence, Sasuke.

Sasuke: Why do you think I'd be offended for calling a miserable kid emo?

(Everyone stares at Sasuke)

Sasuke: What?

Tazuna: Well I shouldn't really tell you recent acquaintances about Inari's personal past, but okay! It's because the man who was like a father to him was executed by mob boss Gato for no clear reason. Possibly to break the village's spirit by killing it's hero.

* * *

Haku: Hey, what happened to you?

Naruto: Oh. (Blushing) I was busy training, then I said- my catchphrase and I got hit by a dissatisfied viewer.

Haku: You have a catchphrase? (What a dork!)

Naruto: Yeah, it's- really cool. Believe- me.

Commentator: Yes! My diabolical plan has worked perfectly! Naruto is now so frightened of saying his catch phrase that he won't speak it! Mwahahaha! Mwahahaha! MWAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Haku: Oh, and by the way- I'm a guy.

(Silence)

Naruto: You're pulling my leg!

Haku: No seriously, I'm a guy.

Naruto: There's no way you're a guy! You're clearly a girl!

Haku: Surprisingly I'm not.

Naruto: Prove it!

Haku: Oh? Well, okay then. (Grabs bottom of kimono and is about to pull it up)

Naruto: WHOA WHOA I DIDN'T MEAN LIKE THAT! I meant above the equator, ABOVE!

Haku: Oh right, sorry! Behold! (Pulls away top of kimono)

Naruto: Well that settles it. You are a guy. HOLY CRAP, YOU'RE A GUY! Or are you in the middle of a sex change?

Haku: No. Sorry. I was just born with effeminate looks.

Naruto: HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING? THE FIRST TIME I FEEL SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE OTHER THAN SAKURA, WHO I SEEM TO NOT HAVE A CHANCE WITH, AND IT GOES SO WELL, AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE A DUDE!

TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

Healer: Wait a minute! Anonymius, what happened?

**Groan, not another unsatisfied character. Yeah, what do you want?**

Healer: I thought I was supposed to have a much larger role in this fic?

**Sorry, Healer. I found the stuff too boring to write. This is only a hobby, it makes no sense to make a job out of my hobby! Now if I was being paid, it'd be different. But since using someone else's characters would make me liable to being sued, I can't.**

Healer: Btw, the ending of this fic was rather abrupt.

**Yeah, I know. I suck at ending stories when the ending can't be parodied. So sue me.**

Lawyer: With pleasure!

Commentator: Okay, that guy is seriously freaking me out.

Professor: Well it's not like he hasn't broken the fourth wall before.

Commentator: NOT THE LAWYER, THAT HEALER GUY!

Sammy: Yeah! He's like an anti-you!

Commentator: Who is this mysterious Healer? How did an original character find his way into Naruto?

**I felt a doctor character was needed in that scene.**

Commentator: And what material was Anonymius thinking of inserting in today's episode, then decided was too boring? Find out this, probably, next time on Naruto Abridged (with Commentary)!

**There. That ended alot better. Thanks Com!**

Commentator: Hey, I'm always here to bring first class material!


	5. Naruto Vs the Commentator

**The following parody takes place between 11:50 pm Christmas Eve, and 12:10 am Christmas Day. And yes I do not Naruto or anything related.**

* * *

Professor: Hello everyone! Now usually we post the next episode in a fortnight, but due to the Christmas Special we've had to post it early.

Commentator: Bah, humbug!

Professor: Oh please don't tell me you're still upset!

Commentator: What? Having fewer reviews to respond to is naturally going to get me upset!

Professor: Yes, but as I have already told you we usually only get through a few reviews and they usually stop coming in after a couple of days! Now then, let's see what we've got!

(Opens the shoot. Two slips come out)

Professor: Right then. You'll read on and I'll read the other.

Commentator: Fine then! This one is from WingZero92:

Iruka: (Looking at Sakura) Probably the same reason why all the shonen  
heroines are always angry and useless, (Looking at Sasuke) why all the shonen  
rivals are calm, arrogant and better than the hero to start off with, (Looking  
at Kakashi) And why all the teachers are calm and reserved.  
Very good. But you missed out the part of the main heroine being a fangirl of  
the emo main rival

Huh. Is this true, Professor?

Professor: Well let's go through the different shonen anime, shall we? Ahem, in Pokemon, the hero, heroine and rival trio are Ash, Misty and Gary. But Misty's never shown any feelings for Gary.

Commentator: That's probably because he only ever appeared in a handful of episodes.

Gary: Hey! Don't underestimate my character! Sure I never appeared that often in the series, but throughout it I retained this ever-constant threatening presence throughout the series! I'm like Sauron the Great!

Commentator: That's true, really. For an underused rival, he certainly retains his one step ahead of the hero the longest! I mean most rivals are beaten early in the series and just remain a nuisance afterwards, in fact the only other effective rival has been Sasuke! Although I don't think he counts as emo.

Professor: No you're probably right. Now then in Digimon 01, the trio is Tai, Sora and Matt. Once again, no attraction.

Commentator: But is he emo?

Professor: Well, a little. Now in Digimon 02 we have Davis, Kari and T.K., or Daisuke, Hikari and- Takeshi something, whatever the K stands for, it really depends on which version you watch. Now here we can see that Kari possibly likes T.K., though nothing is really confirmed.

Davis/Daisuke: The Hell it isn't!

Commentator: Shut up, Davis slash Daisuke, no one asked you!

Professor: Though T.K. wasn't exactly emo.

Commentator: Did they get together in the epilogue?

Professor: I o know, I stopped watching some point during the global tour arc, the baby dialogue and bad accents got too much for me at that point, I don't think they got married though.

Commentator: Now in Yu-Gi-Oh, we have Tea/Anzu, Yugi and Kaiba. Once again however, even though Kaiba is slightly emo, Tea has had no feelings towards him.

Professor: In Dragon Ball, we had Goku, Bulma and Krillin, though I don't think Bulma showed any affection towards Krillin, or that he was emo, but in Dragonball Z Krillin was placed by Vegeta, whom Bulma ended up marrying, although he wasn't emo either. In Bleach we have Ichigo, Rukia and Ishida, and Rukia has never showed any interest in Ishida, who is only slightly emo. In Inuyasha you have Inuyasha, Kagome and Seshomaru, who is neither emo nor is Kagome his fangirl.

Sammy: In Berserk and Gantz you have Gutz, Casca and Griffith and Kurono, Kishimoto and Kato respectively, where in both the heroine likes the rival, even though neither are emos.

Commentator: Yes but Sammy neither of those series are shonen!

Professor: Even though they retain the traditional trio of hero, heroine and rival.

Sammy: And finally in Avatar you have Aang, Katara and Zuko, where Katara shows no affection towards Aang but some feelings towards Zuko, who is very emo.

Commentator: THAT'S NOT EVEN ANIME TO BEGIN WITH! And besides Katara has shown feelings towards Aang and Zuko isn't emo at all, I think you're thinking of the abridged series. So, were any of our heroines rival fangirls and our rivals emos?

Professor: Nnot really on the whole. Although the highest concentration of heroine likes rival is found in seinen anime/manga rather than shonen. Maybe we haven't been watching the right anime.

Commentator: That's a possibility. Now what does your review say?

Professor: Oh it's from Miwa San, who comments that this series gets better and better, and that Anonymius has done the best Haku parodying the reader's ever read.

Commentator: REALLY? Even better than MasakoX and Vegeta3986?

Professor: Miwa San said read, not watched.

Sammy: Although it is true we've done a lot better even than MasakoX and Vegeta3986! Whereas we have seized upon the Haku male/female controversy as much as possible, Masako and Vegeta just solved it by doing to Haku what the new Battlestar Galactica did to Starbuck.

Commentator: Yeah, but we could never match the lines Haku had in the other Abridged series. (Puts on a high pitched voice) "I'm gonna touch Zabuza's face for no reason" (Female voice) "Like Hell you are!" (Normal) HAHAHAHA! Ah. Classic. Well then if that's all the reviews, then I think it's time for-

Sammy: WAIT, BOSS! We have a late entry!

Clock: TING.

Commentator: -That does it. I'm going to do to that clock what I do to Naruto every time he says 'Believe it'.

Clock: WHAT? WAIT YOU DON'T MEAN-?

WHACK

Clock: I…SHALL BE AVENGED! (Falls forward)

Sammy: Is the clock dead?

Professor: Unlikely. It'll probably come back later.

Commentator: Now then, Sammy, what's the latest review you've got?

Sammy: Oh. It's from a no name oh my God:

Random Ninja: What about Fullmetal Alchemist?  
Hokage: Get out of my village!

That's so amazing, lol. Great fic

Commentator: Ah yes. Well Anonymius liked how unlike most children oriented programs where the children are expected to do things no child in the real world could possibly do, whereas one of the things that makes Naruto such a great series is its realism by emphasising how kids should not really be involved in major fighting. Unfortunately at the same time, however, other series are considered the greatest shonen anime ever. Not that Fullmetal Alchemist isn't terrible. Well the manga isn't, I'm not so sure about the anime, but even that has got awards. Well anyway, it's time for us to start the show!

Professor: And afterwards we're having the Christmas Party Special!

Commentator: - Really?

Professor: Yes.

* * *

Healer: Hey, Naruto. I couldn't help but overhear that the Commentator has been given you problems. You shouldn't pay any attention to him. You should stand up to him.

Naruto: But maybe he's right. Maybe 'Believe it' is a lame catchphrase.

Healer: There is no lame or cool, Naruto. One person's masterpiece is another's piece of crap that should never have been created in the first place. It's all down to your point of view.

Naruto: -Are you actually trying to say that some people find 'Believe it' cool? But the fans-

Healer: Forget the fans, Naruto. If Heroes has taught us anything it's that listening to the fans just creates problems. If you ask me I think the Commentator's just been brainwashed by a successful and hilarious spoof series.

Commentator: …I'LL KEEL YOU FOR SUGGESTING I'M A SHEEP WHO JUST SAYS WHAT SOMEONE ELSE SAID! HAMMERSTRI-

(The Healer stops the mallet with his bent index finger)

Commentator: -Wha?

Healer: Let's see how you like it to have a wooden tool meant for setting up tents smashed over your head.

(Flicks the mallet which ricochets on the Commentator's head)

Commentator: OOF!

Naruto: Wow! That was so cool! Could you teach me to flick a mallet like that, Mr Healer?

Healer: Sorry, Naruto. It takes years of mallet-wielding to flick a giant mallet like that.

Commentator: (Half-stunned) That guy just continues to freak me out even more!

* * *

Zabuza: Hello Kakashi. Surprised to see me?

Kakashi: Oh crap, he is alive! And that Haku boy is working for you!

Zabuza: Yes. And now he will kill Sasuke.

(Thousands of needles levitate about Sasuke)

Sasuke: (Okay Sasuke, don't panic. There's an easy way to get out of this-)

(Needles fly at him)

Sasuke: OWWWWWWWW!

Sakura: How did Sasuke get so injured so easily? I thought he should have been able to counter that attack!

Kakashi: I don't know! According to the original manga- OH CRAP! There really was a point to that whole tree-climbing episode!

Tazuna: What? What are you talking about?

Kakashi: It was all about ninjas drawing out their chakra as much as possible, with feet the hardest. The tree-climbing task was to teach them to draw out chakra from the feet, cos if they did this, they could draw chakra easily from all parts of their body.

Sakura: You're remembering this NOW?

Kakashi: I'm sorry. I watched the sixth episode of 'Naruto the Abridged Series' one too many times where the tree climbing episode was just a pointless filler episode.

Tazuna: How could that have been filler, it was right bang in the middle of the Land of Waves arc! I mean anyone who had actually read the manga would have known that that the whole tree-climbing episode was canon! And even if you didn't those who had found the titles on Wikipedia would have probably guessed that it was canon, and even if they hadn't, were they really expecting to believe that the manga went straight from one battle to another?

Kakashi: Hey, don't complain to me! Complain to MasakoX and Vegeta 2986!

Tazuna: But YOU'RE the idiot who believed them!

* * *

Zabuza: I worked out a weakness to your sharingan, Kakashi. It is said to notice things that are ignored by anyone else. But if that's so, how could you have fought me and not be irritated by the mismatching English and mouth flaps? That's when it occurred to me. (Rips off the bandages covering his mouth) MY MOUTH WAS COVERED!

Kakashi: BLEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH! No, it's too horrible!

* * *

Inari: I'm going to follow Big Brother Naruto's example. So instead of remaining safe I'm going to antagonise two grown armed men and risk my life when my mother doesn't want me to! Believe it!

Naruto: Thanks, Inari. Because you were brave and stood up to them, you distracted them long enough for me to attack them! And the moral of the story is: Always risk your life and try to be a hero in spite of your loved ones, even if there's a chance that you'll die in the process!

* * *

Sakura: That does it! I'm not just going to stand around again and do nothing in a battle! I'm going to participate!

Kakashi: No, Sakura! Don't!

Sakura: (Runs to a kurenai thrown earlier) Hooray! (Throws it to Sasuke) I'm doing something use-

(Haku grabs the kurenai)

Sakura: Oh snap!

Kakashi: See, this is why we don't let her do anything.

* * *

Naruto: Alright! Naruto's here to save the day! Be-be-be-

Commentator: No. He wouldn't dare…

Naruto: BELIEVE IT!

(Silence)

Sasuke: Actually it sounded kinda cool the way he said it just now.

Commentator: NO! My diabolical plan to intimidate Naruto into stopping his catchphrase has failed! Oh you're so going to regret those words (Mallet appears in his hand) HAMMERSTRIKE!

(Naruto dodges the blow)

Naruto: I've had it up to here with you dissing my catchphrase! It's time we settle our differences like fictional characters!

Commentator: Bring it on (Makes a beckoning gesture with his hand ala Morpheus), Fox Boy!

Announcer: Well folks, it's the battle of the ages! Naruto Vs the Commentator. Who shall win this epic battle? Place your bets!

Naruto: I'm gonna win! Believe it!

Commentator: Grrrr. You are so dead after this!

(Naruto charges at the Commentator. Before he can strike, the Commentator disappears and reappears behind Naruto. Naruto slashes at him, but the Commentator disappears once again. This happens several times)

Commentator: I am too quick for you!

(Naruto charges again)

Commentator: Lightning Wall! (Naruto crashes into an electrical barrier in comical fashion) I must thank you, Naruto. It's been a while since I've engaged in combat.

Naruto: Grrr. I wasn't going to use this, but you give me no choice! Shadow Clone Jutsu!

Commentator: Excellent! You see Naruto, as is the custom of ninjas on this show, I have secretly been manipulating your movements, causing you to go in a mode that will assure me victory. Now that you have unleashed your shadow clones, I can beat you in eleven words!

(Naruto and clones charge at the Commentator)

Commentator: What happens to a Shadow Clone's soul after its body disappears?

(Naruto and Clones stop)

Clone: I…don't know…

Clone: I think we just cease to exist altogether!

Clone: No! I don't want to go to Oblivion!

Clone: Don't let him undo the jutsu!

Clone: Wait, which one's the real Naruto?

(Naruto and Clones fight amongst themselves, while the Commentator stands afar, arms crossed and looking smug)

Commentator: Heh heh heh. Sweet.

(The Commentator stands on top of a defeated Naruto)

Announcer: And so! The Commentator is the winner!

(The onlookers stare)

Professor: What was the point of that fight?

Commentator: The point is that I can kick Naruto's butt anyhow, anywhere and anytime!

* * *

Naruto: We're losing against Haku!

Sasuke: Wow. If only someone had taught us to control our chakra with a simple exercise like walking up a tre-

Kakashi: Shut up. Blame Vegeta 3689 and MazakoX for their misleading parody! Even if it is the second most popular abridged series on the Internet. Heh heh. Moo.

(Everyone stares at Kakashi)

Kakashi: I did not just say 'moo', did I?

(Head villager with other villagers holding pitchforks appear)

Head villager: He stole Vegeta 3699's joke! (Other villagers raise pitchforks) BURN HIM!

Kakashi: Aw, cr-

* * *

Sasuke: (Naruto is almost out of chakra! He spent too much fighting the Commentator!)

Professor: Now do you see what happens when you have pointless fights with main characters?

Commentator: He was going to run out of chakra anyway!

Kakashi: Oh no! Both Naruto and Sasuke are trapped in Haku's hall of mirrors! And they can't beat him without a third person on the outside!

Sakura: Hey, Sensei! I can probably help Naruto and Sasuke by fighting Haku on the outside!

Kakashi: No, Sakura! I need you to guard the old man!

Tazuna: Hey! Who are you calling old?

Sakura: But Sensei, it's not going to make much of a difference against a ninja like Zabuza! I'm much more useful if I help Naruto and Sasuke!

Kakashi: No, Sakura, we can't risk it!

Sakura: But- I-

Kakashi: NO! Besides, if you try to help like what you just did an episode ago, you'll probably just make things worse for them!

Sakura: You just think I'm useless because you watch 'Naruto the Abridged Series'!

Kakashi: Noooooo! Well partly that. But it's mainly because I've seen your battle prowess when I tested all three of you in the fourth episode.

* * *

(Sakura faints)

Kakashi: Wow. She really IS completely useless! MasakoX and Vegeta 4996 were right!

* * *

Kakashi: (Think, Kakashi, think! Where is Zabuza most likely to strike? Oh no! The old man!

Zabuza: Too late! Image Freezing No Jutsu! (The sound of a sword slashing can be heard and Sakura screaming, all with the screen focused on Zabuza)

Professor: You know, that edit was highly unnecessary.

TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

Commentator: Welcome, everyone, to the Christmas Party Special!

Professor: Wait a minute, WAIT A MINUTE! I thought you didn't celebrate Christmas?

Commentator: I'm a spontaneous celebrator.

Professor: Uhuh. I see everyone at Anonymius Productions is here. Even the characters from that failed Star Wars spoof!

Obi-Futatsu: Hey! We're not failed! Anonymius just hasn't had time yet to post the next chapter!

Professor: Suuure he hasn't.

Gary: I kinda feel out of place with all these cast of characters.

Davis/Daisuke: I know what you mean!

Professor: -Why did you invite the one-off characters?

Commentator: I felt that everyone should be here.

Professor: I can't believe you even invited your foes like the Lawyer and the Clock!

Commentator: Yeah, well, I felt generous.

Professor: Well anyway, welcome, everyone, to the feast! Let's dig in!

Everyone: HOORAY!

Lust: (Fingers lengthen and sharpen each other) I'll cut the turkey!

(Silence)

Envy: Lust, maybe you should let someone else cut the turkey. Like that guy over there, he's got a big sword!

Zabuza: (Evil chuckle)

Lust: What? What do people have against me using my fingers to cut the turkey?

Commentator: (Pulls a leg off a turkey) And I have tofu turkey here as well as egg free cake if anyone wants it!

Someone: No thanks!

Healer: I'll have a leg of that tofu turkey, Com!

Commentator: I'm glad someone will! …Okay, you continue to freak me out.

Harry: Hey, what's that the Naruto characters are doing and saying?

Ed: I think it's some kind of Japanese Grace!

Ron: What is this Grace you speak of?

Hermione: Ron! Don't enforce the belief that Christianity and magic are incompatible!

Raygun: You mean they're not?

Harry: Er, no. I was christened, you know.

Raygun: How bizarre.

Obi-Futatsu: Raygun, you only think it's weird because you've been brought up in a country that's increasingly coming under the influence of an extreme version of Christianity. Come on, everyone knows it!

Ron: Actually the fact that I don't know Grace was referring more to the fact that I'm British rather than a wizard.

Al: Yeah, but I think people will probably get the wrong idea.

Ed: I wonder. Are the Naruto characters praying to a certain god or the eight million spirits in general?

Naruto: Actually, ignorant- parallel, western-like-guy, we're showing respect to the animals that were killed for the feast.

Harry: - You show respect for the life of the animals that were killed?

Naruto: Er, yeah. Just because we eat animals doesn't mean we do it gladly. You know, it's like just because you may be a fighter and have to kill people doesn't mean you don't show remorse for killing the person, do you?

Lupin: Um. Yes. Remorse.

Ron: (Stuffing himself with turkey) Sorry, what was just said?

Sasuke: Good gods! You- you just eat the animal right away, without showing any respect or remorse for the fallen animal like some sociopath with no regard for life?

(There is a guilty silence among the westerners and parallel westerners)

Sakura: Seriously, you show no gratitude for the animal's lost life?

Ron: The turkey knows that we're grateful without saying anything!

Turkey's Ghost: Like Hell I do! SQUAAAAWK!

Ron: AHHH! Where did this migraine come from?

McGonagall: I'm afraid us westerners in general do not show any sympathy for the animal that's served to us. If it was killed in front of our eyes, that would be different.

Lust: Here Envy, I got you a present!

Envy: It's a new mirror!

Gluttony: Greed? I thought you thought Christmas was a humbug?

Greed: I was forced to change my ways by this ghost.

Hughes's ghost: WOOOOOOOOOO! I am the ghost of Christmas past, present and future!

Envy and Bradeley: No! NO! Thou canst say I did it! Never shake thy gory locks at me!

Douglas: Hughes? I thought you died never to return?

Hughes: Like me being unfortunately killed was going to stop me from attending the Christmas celebrations!

Sirius' ghost: Here here!

Bloody Baron: (To the Grey Lady) (I thought he wouldn't come back as a ghost?)

Hughes: Awww. But I can't eat any of the food.

Nearly Headless Nick: Forget about Christmas dinner! Eating's for losers, anyway! As a ghost you gain a light weight, and you retain it forever! But don't worry, the turkey stills retains it's central importance for us ghosts. Hit it, turkeys!

(The ghosts of the turkeys do an Irish dance)

Ghosts: HOORAY!

Hagrid dressed as Santa: HO HO HO! MERRY CHRIST-

Greed: NO! It's the Spirit of Christmas! Run away before he unwittingly turns you evil!

Hagrid: NO, NO NO! I'm Santa Claus!

Dumbledore: And I'm Father Christmas for any of you Brits here!

(Sadly though all the younger Brits turn their attention to Hagrid)

Hagrid: And I have presents for everyone!

Malfoy: Hey! This isn't what I wanted at all!

Ed: Nor me!

Iruka: Nor me!

Hagrid: -Errrr….

Dumbledore: Hagrid, you doofus! You've got everyone the wrong presents! Let me guess: You crashed into Santa's sleigh on the way here and you mixed up sacks, didn't you?

Sammy: Does that mean Christmas is ruined?

Santa: HO HO HO NO!

Konohamaru: Santa!

Santa: I soon discovered the mix-up that was made so I came here as soon as possible.

Commentator: But how did you find us so easily?

Father Christmas: I helped. I'm Father Christmas.

Naruto: I thought you were the same guy?

Father Christmas: A common misunderstanding.

Professor: But can Santa rewrap all the presents and deliver them in time?

Santa: Professor, if time was an issue, I wouldn't be able to deliver all presents in one night.

Sammy: Yay! Christmas is saved!

Professor: Now now, Sam. Christmas isn't just about presents!

Sammy: The turkey?

Professor: No.

Sammy: The cranberry sauce?

Professor: No.

Sammy: Eggnog?

Professor: No.

Sammy: The tree?

Professor: No.

Sammy: Santa Claus?

Professor: NO!

Sammy: Giving, getting together with friends and family and good will towards all men?

Professor: Well it's partly that. But there's something more that Christmas is all about.

Harry: Well then what else could Christmas possibly be about that hasn't been mentioned?

Professor: Isn't it obvious?

Ed: No!

Professor: The birth of Jesus Christ of course!

(Awkward silence fills the hall)

Naruto: (Puts hand up) What if we're just here for the party and don't really care who the party's for?

Professor: Then it's about the presents, turkey and tree.

Non-Christians and non-religious Christians (Which basically make up the entire gathering): HOORAY!

Commentator: Everyone! Before we finish this delicious feast that my cook Sludge has prepared for all of you-

Hermione: Sludge?

Commentator: - I'd liked to say a few words. You know, I'm probably older than any of you here, although on the other hand the original Harry Potter cast may actually be older, but even though I'm surrounded by monsters and wizards and ninjas and alchemists and Star Wars spoofs, I've never felt more loved.

Healer: (Holding a video camera) Hee hee hee. I'm going to have so much fun with this!

Professor: -Okay, now you're starting to freak me out!

Commentator: And I'd like to make a toast to the readers! Without their support and reviews, we may not be where we are now.

Everyone: TO THE READERS! (With the Harry Potter cast the loudest, Naruto second loudest, FMA third and Cartoon Wars the quietest)

Dumbledore: (Sliding on a piano seat) Here here! Now let's all just shut up and sing!

(Plays a piano)

Commentator: We wish you a merry Christmas!

Professor: We wish you a merry Christmas!

Sammy: We wish you a merry Christmas!

Harry: And a happy New Year!

Qui-Gon Genies: Good tidings we bring!

Ed: To you and your king!

Naruto: We wish you a merry Christmaaaaaaas!

Snape: And a haapyyy neeeew YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

Laywer: Stop it! Stop this singing!

Healer: Shove a tofu leg in your mouth, Lawyer!

(Throws a tofu leg in the Lawyer's mouth, who falls over)

Everyone: HOORAY!

Sammy: God bless us, everyone!

Al: (You know Bro, I think it's kin, not king)

Ed: (Shut up! It rhymes better!)

**Merry Christmas, everyone! And I do not own Harry Potter, Full Metal Alchemist, Davis/Daisuke, Gary Oak, Star Wars or anything related. **

Lawyer: That's my Christmas present sorted!


	6. Power Unleashed

Commentator: (Groan), what did I get up to last night?

Professor: Good morning, Sir. Hope you are well.

Commentator: Professor! I think I'm dying!

Professor: You're not dying, Sir, you just have a hangover.

Commentator: Call it what you will, I feel really ill!

Professor: You're not ill, Sir, you just have a hangover.

Commentator: -WHAT? Doesn't that count as being ill?

Professor: Nope. My mother always said that having a hangover doesn't count as being ill because it's self-inflicted.

Commentator: -Huh. I never thought of it like that. How long have I been out?

Professor: A week.

Commentator: A WEEK?

Professor: You drank a lot of alcohol on New Year's.

Commentator: Wait, some of the stuff is coming back to me….

* * *

Healer: Ten!

Full Metal Alchemist Comic: Nine!

Naruto: Eight!

Ed: Seven!

Harry: Six!

Qui-Gon Genies: Five!

Sammy: Four!

Professor: Three!

Commentator: Two!

**One!**

Everyone: HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2009!

* * *

Commentator: You know, I wasn't always called the Commentator, you know! Why there was a time when I was an interdimensional warlord who sort to conquer three certain anime worlds based around these monsters because I wanted to harvest them into new supersoldiers! I'M STILL WAITING FOR THAT SAGA TO BE COMPLETED AND POSTED, ANONYMIUS! Anonymius? Professor, where is that bastard?

Professor: I believe he is playing 'Buzzwords' with his dad.

Commentator: What, he thinks he's too cool to have a life, does he? And you sound funny, Prof, have you been drinking?

Professor: No sir, I've just been drinking moderately and not gulping everything like its water and that I'm in the middle of the desert!

Commentator: Huh. Fancy that.

Lust: So, if you weren't always the Commentator, then what did people call you?

Commentator: Ah, I'm glad you asked that, my dear Rusto. My real name is-

* * *

Commentator: OH GOD! Professor, I just think I told everyone at the party my real name! NOOOOOOOOOOO! My reputation is ruined!

Sammy: Aw don't worry, Boss! They were all probably too drunk to remember! Apart from all the under aged people that is.

Commentator: Hey Sammy! You drank as much as me. How come you're all right?

Sammy: I drank a glass of water before I went to bed.

Commentator: Yeah, that will do it. Groan, maybe reading a few reviews will make me feel better…

"Ha ha, the Christmas party was great. The healer is a weird character-"

Healer: Wait, what?

Commentator: Well the reviewer does have a point, Healer. You think 'Believe it' is cool!

Healer: I said that there are those who like it as well as those who hate it, and neither are wrong or right!

Commentator: Yeah yeah:

"I have to agree Sakura is a pretty useless character in the begining, but she's supposed to be that way-"

Sakura: I'M NOT USELESS! PEOPLE JUST KEEP GETTING IN MY WAY!

Commentator: Whatever you say, Sakura. You're a big fighter if you say so:

"-I'm so going to learn mallet-wielding." Winnow

Qui-Gon Genies: Are yes. The noble art of mallet-wielding is gaining prominence.

Commentator: Qui-Gon, I know your series didn't work out, but stop trying to grope some of our popularity by continually appearing!

Qui-Gon: Pah! You totally stole the catchphrase 'Hammerstrike!' from us!

Commentator: I did not!

Qui-Gon: Oh no? Check this except from chapter three of 'Cartoon Wars, Episode 1, the Avian Menace'…

"HAMMERSTRIKE!" Qui-Gon and Obi-Futatsu cried, pulling mallets out of the Hammerspace in a split-screen.

Commentator: Okay, yes, I might have adopted your war cry! But it was so good and it wasn't getting the attention it deserved! Now then, on to the next review-

"Your story is brilliant. Your writing flows to be intelligent and humorous at the same time. Keep up the good work.  
Also, I love how in the earlier chapters you pointed out the plotholes and stuff with no logic in them from the manga, like how Naruto is the same age as everyone else but has failed the exams three times, how Naruto couldn't do the regular clones but has achieved the ability to do the difficult one from the scroll he stole, and how Naruto is able to live by himself even though he's a minor.  
Oh, and the Commentator vs. Naruto...EPIC. Go Commentator! You should really insert yourself into the story, and team up with your original characters!" Haruko Kurimasu

Commentator: Um, yes. The thing is, Anonymius doesn't like involving himself in his work that much. It's sort of a taboo with him. He finds it weird. Of course he'll tend to speak in the odd chapter once in a while, but generally he prefers to keep himself separate. Besides if he did appear in the story, he'd probably team up with the Naruto characters against us. Now then, this review is from veteran Jemii-Chan 1989:

great christmas chapter!!

Commentator: Yes. It truly was. Now our final review is from Miwa San:

ROFL. The part at the end was just as great as the actual abridged anime parts. I will continue to keep reading!

Commentator: Wow. Really? As good as MasakoX and Vegeta 3986's abridged series? Well anyway, thank you all for your reviews! Anonymius enjoyed every one of them, especially Haruko Kurimasu's! Now without further ado, here's Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): 'Power Unleashed'.

* * *

Zabuza: What? Impossible! How did you survive my attack? The Image Freezing no Jutsu should have kept you frozen!

Kakashi: It's all thanks to my Sharingan. It lets me see beyond any editing of the original episode.

* * *

Sasuke: All right! No more fun and games! It's time to use my Sharingan! Now I- WAH!

Naruto: What is it, Sasuke?

Sasuke: Naruto…YOU REALLY DO HAVE FOX WHISKER MARKS ON YOUR CHEEKS! I can't understand why I never noticed them before!

Haku: You- have a Kekkei Genkai as well?

Naruto: He has a what now?

Haku: A bloodline limit.

Naruto: A what now?

Haku: A technique passed down hereditarily that cannot be copied by anyone outside the family.

(Naruto stares blankly at Haku)

Haku: (Sigh) a mutant ability.

Naruto: OH RIGHT! Why didn't you say so?

Haku: Grrrr. It just so happens that I too have a Kekkei Genkai. There was a time when those with Kekkei Genkai ruled the village hidden in the mist, then the norms rebelled and overthrew the clans. Now my kind are hunted and killed, people considering us freaks and evil. Why my mother-

Naruto: Sasuke, look what you did! You sent her on a flashback!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER…

Haku: -And that's when I joined up with Zabuza. You must have suffered a lot if you have a Kekkei Genkai.

Sasuke: Actually my clan were treated like nobility and were considered the elite clan.

Haku: -Oh. Right.

Sasuke: Well anyway, I have a plan to defeat Haku. You ready?

Naruto: Yeah! I'm ready for anything, believe it!

Commentator: Grrr. If he wasn't shielded by this dome of mirrors I would have whacked him right about now!

Naruto: Hey! The Commentator didn't whack me! Believe it believe it believe it believe it believe it believe it bel-

Commentator: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU DICKWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!

Professor: Uh oh. (Grabs Sammy) It's every interfrancise being and his pet for themselves!

(Jumps through a portal just as a giant electrical surge bursts from the Commentator)

Sasuke: Hey, what the-?

(The surge destroys the mirrors and electrocutes the two ninja. Haku tries to protect herself I MEAN himself by hiding in one of the mirrors, only to be knocked out of it when it cracks.)

Zabuza: What is that terrible surge of power?

Kakashi: Has the seal containing the Nine tails broken?

(Everyone on the bridge gets caught in the electrical surge. Eventually it gets so big that it engulfs the entire planet.)

Flying Saucer Passing By: Ooooo. Pretty.

(The Professor returns after the aftermath)

Commentator: Erm, whoops? Heh heh, haven't done that in a while. And never that big. Fighting Naruto really brought out my inner power that's been unused for many years.

Professor: Sir it seems that your electrical surge knocked out every living creature on the planet. However, it seems everyone is recovering now so no long-term damage, apart from destroying all the ice and glass in the world and short-circuiting all electrical equipment, but then again 'Naruto' has a basically medieval level of technology so no harm-

Sammy: Boss, Naruto and Sasuke aren't moving!

Commentator: They've just been knocked out, Sam; they'll recover in due course!

Sammmy: They're looking very still!

Commentator: That just shows how out they are!

Sammy: They're looking very pale!

Commentator: Well- that's just the effect of the electricity- okay, I can't explain that.

Sammy: I can't feel any breathing!

Commentator: -Maybe it's too little for you to feel!

Sammy: I can't feel any pulse!

Commentator: Maybe you're not pressing hard enough!

Sammy: Their hearts have stopped beating!

(Silence)

Professor: Sir, I think you killed them.

Commentator: -Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sh-

* * *

Professor: Oh my! You killed Naruto and Sasuke!

Commentator: It was an accident! An accident!

Lawyer: Accident, my tushie! This was manslaughter!

Commentator: MANSLAUGHTER?

Lawyer: You killed them in a fit of rage, and that makes it manslaughter. You're going in for a long time for this- OOF!

(Knocked out by the Professor holding a mallet)

Professor: There. That's taken care of him for now. I can't believe you did this again!

Sammy: Again? Wait, this sort of thing has happened before?

Commentator: Oh it was years ago. We were commentating on Smallville and this was just after the end of Season 5…

* * *

Commentator: Well it seems like your stuck in the phantom Zone for now, Clarky boy!

(Knocks on the Phantom Zone wall, causing it to crack open).

Commentator: Uh oh. Hey, you don't suppose that this version of Superman can breathe in the vacuum of space, do you?

* * *

Commentator: Apparently not.

* * *

Professor: Oh my! You killed Clark Kent!

Commentator: It was an accident! An accident!

Professor: No one's going to believe that! Even I have my doubts!

* * *

Professor: Well we sorted it all out in the end, didn't we?

Sammy: How?

Commentator: That, my dear Sammy, is a tale for another day. Well fortunately I've always been prepared for a situation where I screw up the plot of a series again, so I brought the remote with me.

(Rewinds the episode just before he exploded)

Commentator: There we go!

Naruto: Believe it believe it believe it believe it believe it believe it believe it-

Commentator: Hah! I'm not going to get upset this time!

Naruto: Believe it bel-

Commentator: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU DOUCHEBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!

Professor: Oh not again! (Grabbing Sammy) It's every interfrancise being and his pet for themselves again!

(Escapes through the portal just in the nick of time!)

* * *

Commentator: Erm. Whoops?

Professor: SIR!

Commentator: Look, I'm sorry! It's really irritating! I'll just have to- uh oh. The remote's shortcircuited. Well. This is a mess I've gotten the series into.

(Haku growns as he gets up)

Sammy: Look Boss! Haku's alive! It seems someone that the mirror protected her from the lethal bolts!

Haku: Commentator- you have deprived me of a reason to live. Now you must kill me.

Commentator: Whoa whoa whoa! Sure there was time when I took lives without feeling sorry for it, but I've changed! I'm a neutral person now!

Haku: If I can't be Zabuza's invincible tool, then what purpose do I have? Killing me would be compassionate rath-

Commentator: Okay, sure.

Haku: Wait, what? You were just conflicted a moment ago!

Commentator: I said I was neutral, not good. (Charges up his finger)

Kakashi: This is the end for you. Goodbye, Zabuza.

(Haku sees Kakashi charging at Zabuza)

Haku: WAIT!

Commentator: Oh make up your mind, woman!

Haku: I'm a guy!

Commentator: I'm still not convinced.

Haku: Grrr. Just, wait here.

* * *

Haku: GAK!

Kakashi: Oh no! I killed a girl! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Haku: For the last time, I'm a- (Dies)

Kakashi: Hey! Where's Naruto and Sasuke?

Commentator: (Quick! Hide the bodies!)

* * *

Gato: Hello everybody!

Zabuza: Gato? What are you doing here?

Gato: We're fed up at being underused in this parody so we came to do something!

Kakashi: Hey, at least Anonymius doesn't have you sounding like Mickey Mouse.

Gato: That's true.

Zabuza: Well, this is no longer my fight, so I'll leave you to it.

Villagers: We won't let you push us around anymore!

Thugs: Like that is gonna stop us!

Commentator: Wait! What's going on? Why aren't the bad guys retreating?

Professor: You fool! Do you realise what you've done? By killing Naruto, you have altered the course of the plot! Without Naruto, Zabuza never changed his ways and killed Gato! Without Naruto and his clones, Kakashi never got the idea to use clones as well, forcing the villains to retreat!

Commentator: So, what does this mean?

Professor: It means that even though the villagers may win, a lot of them will die in the process!

Commentator: -Uh oh. Let's just walk away, very slowly…

Healer: Is the Land of Waves doomed? Has the Commentator really killed off Naruto and Sasuke? And what effect will Zabuza's survival have on the plot? Join us next time for the thrilling conclusion of Naruto Abridged –

Commentator: HEY! That's MY job!

Healer: You seemed rather preoccupied at the time.

TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

**I do not own FMA or anything related, the name 'Qui-Gon', 'Harry Potter' or anything related, and if I have missed anything please forgive me. I intended to disclaim everything I don't own!**


	7. Naruto's Funeral

**I do not own Naruto or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Alright! Tonight is a big night! Tonight I'll be able to watch the new dub of Naruto Shippuden, and see how bad- Clock: TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK

Commentator: WHAT THE HELL? Damn that clock! It never gives me a moment's peace! Fine then, I'll just conclude by thanking you all for your reviews, and personally I'm surprised that no one's complained about me-

Clock: TING!

Commentator: -Killing Naruto and Sasuke!

Professor: They'd probably think that they'll go through some kind of sudden, poorly explained resurrection. You know, like with Neo in the Matrix.

Commentator: (Sniff!) Those poor fools! Now with further ado, here's the final chapter in 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): The Zabuza Saga', 'Naruto's Funeral'.

* * *

_Previously on Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)…_

Sasuke: I have a plan to defeat Haku! You ready?

Naruto: Yeah! I'm ready for anything, believe it!

Commentator: Grrr. If he wasn't shielded by this dome of mirrors I would have whacked him right about now!

Naruto: Hey! The Commentator didn't whack me! Believe it believe it believe it believe it believe it believe it bel-

Commentator: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU DICKWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!

(Everyone on the bridge gets caught in the electrical surge. Eventually it gets so big that it engulfs the entire planet.)

Professor: Sir it seems that your electrical surge knocked out every living creature on the planet. However, it seems everyone is recovering now so no harm-

Sammy: Boss, Naruto and Sasuke aren't moving!

Commentator: They've just been knocked out, Sam; they'll recover in due course!

Sammy: Their hearts have stopped beating!

(Silence)

Professor: Sir, I think you killed them.

Commentator: -Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sh-

Gato: Hello everybody! We're fed up at being underused in this parody so we came to do something!

Zabuza: Well, this is no longer my fight, so I'll leave you to it.

Villagers: We won't let you push us around anymore!

Thugs: Like that is gonna stop us!

Commentator: Wait! What's going on? Why aren't the bad guys retreating?

Professor: You fool! Do you realise what you've done? By killing Naruto, you have altered the course of the plot! Without Naruto, Zabuza never changed his ways and killed Gato! Without Naruto and his clones, Kakashi never got the idea to use clones as well, forcing the villains to retreat!

Commentator: So, what does this mean?

Professor: It means that even though the villagers may win, a lot of them will die in the process!

Commentator: -Uh oh. Let's just walk away, very slowly…

_And now the thrilling conclusion…_

* * *

Healer: Hold it right there!

Villagers: YAY! IT'S THE HEALER!

Kakashi: And why does he have a giant mallet across his shoulders?

Healer: Didn't you hear? Mallet wielding is the new craze!

Gato: Who are you?

Healer: They call me the Healer.

Gato: The Healer, huh? Well there's no way you can fight in a battle! In fact (Drawing out a sword) I think I'll kill you myself to show how callous I am!

Healer: Gato, I must warn you. Do not try to fight me. You'll regret it.

Bad guys: LOL!

Healer: I'm warning you. Don't-try-and fight me!

Gato: (Advancing towards the Healer) If there's anyone who should be worried it's you. Besides, you're bound by the Hippocratic oath to do no harm-

WHACK

Healer: Like that ever stopped Jack Sheppard.

(Gato flies into the air)

Gato: LOOKS LIKE GATO IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN! TWINKLE.

Healer: Man, they never listen to me!

Thugs: (Look worried at the Healer) Errrrrrr….. RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Leading Villager: The Healer has saved us! Three cheers to the Healer!

Villagers: (Lift up the Healer) HIP HIP! HOORAY! HIP HIP! HOORAY! HIP HIP! HOORAY!

Kakashi: But where are Naruto and Sasuke?

* * *

Commentator: Right. All I need to do now is to vapourise the bodies, and no one will have to know that I killed them.

Professor: But won't people notice they're missing?

Commentator: Don't worry (Charges hand), we'll kidnap some thirteen year old Ichigo Kurosaki and Uruyuu Ishida, and brainwash them into thinking they're Naruto and Sasuke. Except we won't have our new Naruto saying 'believe it' every line! I'm sure people won't tell the difference! (Readies to vapourise Naruto and Sasuke's bodies)

Sammy: WAIT!

(The Commentator stops)

Sammy: Shouldn't we say a few words?

Commentator: Fine then! I'll do it. As the commentator and their killer, it's my responsibility. Ahem. Sasuke Uchiha was the last of his clan- unless you count Itachi and Madara Uchiha, that is. Like many shonen rivals he was a genius at whatever his manga/anime focused on, and like a certain other rival character, often called his opponent a 'loser'. In the U.S. version, that is. Now with his death he will never fulfil his dream of murdering his brother for his family, who may or may not have wanted it.

Professor: May?

Commentator: Well this is the Middle Ages, Professor. There was more revenge killing and less 'all life is precious'. But at least now with his early death, he will never endure losing his position as the top whatever-the anime focuses on to the hero. Such is the fate of all Shonen rivals.

Sammy: Sniff! That was beautiful, boss!

Commentator: And now for Naruto. Ahem. Like many shonen heroes, Naruto was hyperactive, gluttonous, and dumb- except in the field of whatever it is the shonen anime/manga focuses on. And even in this if he seemed not as good as others, he quickly caught up and had the potential to become the greatest whatever. Oh yes and his parents were a mystery. With his unfortunate death, now his chances at becoming the hokage are equal to Ash Ketchum's chances at becoming Pokemon master.

Professor: SIR!

Commentator: Oh come on! Pokemon has gone on for years and he's no closer to becoming pokemon master! Whatever that means! And so, we commend these bodies to the empty oblivion to which all shadow clones go to after they've outlived their usefulness. Good night, sweet princes, and may a choir of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Sammy: Boss!

Commentator: -What?

Sammy: Do you have any idea how offensive you're being by suggesting that all peoples believe in angels?

Commentator: -But-but-OH FINE THEN! May a choir of Shinigami sing thee to thy rest! Although I don't think their singing is quite to the level of angels.

Sammy: Bleach or Deathnote?

Commentator: IT DOESN'T MATTER!

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke: (Groan) Where am I? Where's that trumpet sound coming from? And why do I hear crackling? (Slowly open eyes to see the Commentator about the vapourise them) AAAAAAAH! (Jump out of the way before the bolts could fry them).

Sasuke: What the Hell, Commentator?

Naruto: Yeah! I know you threatened to kill me during our fight, but I didn't think you'd go through with it!

(The Commentators stare)

Commentator: AAAAAAAAAAAH! WRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITH! (Jumps behind a bush)

Professor: YOU TWO! Weren't you dead a minute ago?

Sasuke: We got better!

Sammy: This is impossible! I checked your hearts and everything and they weren't beating! Actually, they're still not beating. AHHHHH! YOU REALLY ARE WRAITH!

Professor: Sammy, where did you just feel for the heart?

Sammy: Right there! In the left side of the chest!

Professor: -Sam. The heart is in THEIR left, not yours!

Sammy: -Oh. Erm, whoops? (Touches wrists) But that still doesn't explain how I can't feel their pulses.

Professor: You feel for their pulses underneath their wrists, not above them!

Sammy: And I still can't feel any breathing! Oh, there it is!

Professor: -Sam, you're at the wrong end. That end only occasionally emits gas.

Sammy: And what about how pale they look? Actually, you look kinda pale too. Now that I think about it, everything looks kinda pale. AAAAAAAH! I'M IN THE ASPHODEL FIELDS!

(Professor takes off the foggy glasses Sammy wore to examine Naruto and Sasuke)

Sammy: Oh that's better!

Professor: Sir, you can come out now! They're not wraith! They were just misdiagnosed by an incompetent doctor!

Sammy: Hey! I'm not an expert on human anatomy! I'm not exactly human myself you know!

Professor: Isn't the heart also found in the left of a gastropod, though?

Sammy: …Gastro-what? What does that have to do with anything?

Professor: (Sigh)

(The Commentator peeps over the bush)

Commentator: I'd rather not take my chances.

Professor: Oh stop being such a baby and come out here!

Commentator: I'd rather live as a baby than to die as a man! (Disappears behind the bush)

* * *

Kakashi: Naruto, Sasuke, there you are! I was beginning to think you died or something!

Commentator: HAHAHAHAHA! Good one, Kakashi! HAHAHAHAHA! No, they were just stunned.

* * *

Zabuza: There. I've managed to cheat my death. I think I'll become an ongoing villain like Orochimaru or Akatsuki. Why am I talking to myself? Now all I need to do is sort out my arms and- Hey, what happened to all the colour? Oh no. NO, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!

(Something growls and leaps in front of Zabuza, then walks towards him, making large thumping)

Zabuza: The creature's supposed to be a myth! It should not exist in any other reality!

Dahaka: I exist in all places where there are inconsistencies with what should happen. Now then, DIE ANOMALY!

Zabuza: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-gurgle.

* * *

Naruto: Hey Sensei! How come we're respectfully burying our archenemies?

Kakashi: Because Naruto, in Anime/Manga tradition, should a villain be defeated but not killed then he or she has no choice but to reform their ways and become good, so they both became good before they died.

Naruto: No they didn't! Zabuza was still evil when he died!

Commentator: As far as anyone is concerned, what really happened is that you changed Zabuza and he redeemed himself by brutally murdering a defenceless old man with a broken arm.

Naruto: Well if you think that's believable! Believe it!

Commentator: HAMMERSTRIKE! Hey, wait! Where's my mallet?

Healer: I took it back.

Commentator: You-wait, you did what?

Healer: I said I took it back.

Commentator: -Okay. You've freaked me out enough! Who are you? Show yourself!

Healer: If you insist.

(Removes hood)

Commentator: Gasp! YOU?

Healer: Me.

Professor: You!

Sammy: Who?

Professor: The Commentator's identical brother!

Commentator: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Just when I thought I found the one thing you don't meddle in, you meddle! I mean I wasn't even doing any harm! Well okay, a little harm, but it was an accident! I can't believe I shared a tofu turkey with you! If I knew who you were, I wouldn't have even invited you! AND I INVITED ALL MY OTHER WORST ENEMIES!

Healer: I always had a feeling that you'd mess up one of the franchises you visited, so I've been keeping an eye on you ever since you started this Commentating business. Just as well. The Land of Waves arc could have ended disastrously. Plus I wanted my mallet back.

Commentator: I was only borrowing it! I would have given it back to you! In about a thousand years.

Healer: You used it, a tool that was designed to protect the innocent and defeat the guilty, to hit people who annoyed you!

Commentator: It was for a greater cause!

Healer: YOU DID OUT OF SELFISHNESS!

Commentator: And what, don't my own personal feelings count as a greater cause?

Healer: NO! Well it's no use arguing with you, so I'll take my leave. Farewell, brother. I'll see you in 'Philosopher's Stone with a Difference'.

(Vanishes)

* * *

Tazuna: We cannot thank you enough ninjas for saving our village! Even though you didn't do that much in the end. Especially you, Sakura!

Sakura: Why does everyone pick on me?

Kakashi: It's because you're useless.

Sakura: Frodo is way more useless than me, and I bet he doesn't get picked on as much!

Kakashi: Yeah, well, Frodo's a main character. We can forgive him.

Sakura: I'M A MAIN CHARACTER!

Kakashi: Yeah, yeah.

Tazuna: Ahem. Before you go, I thought we might let you know what we're naming the bridge.

Naruto: Yeah?

Tazuna: We've decided to name it after the one person whom none of us would be here without.

Naruto: Yeah?

Tazuna: After the person who inspired us all to become great heroes just like him, and is deserving of the title of hero of the village!

Naruto: -Really?

Tazuna: Yes. We're calling it 'The Great- Healer Bridge'!

Naruto: -WHAT?

Healer: Really? Well it's nice that you've named the bridge after me, but if you're going to do that you'd better call it 'The Great Darren Bridge'.

Naruto: That's it we're leaving and never coming back!

Sakura: But Naruto! You just promised that kid we'll come back-

Naruto: I said we're leaving!

Kakashi: Well you're not the team leader, but okay!

Naruto: Man, I can't wait to tell Konohamaru all about our adventures!

Sasuke: Like the time you briefly fancied a guy?

Naruto: …IN MY DEFENCE HE WAS A VERY PRETTY GUY! Wait, that didn't come out right…

THE END

* * *

Professor: Well, that's a saga finished with. Although I do wonder: Did Naruto and Sasuke really die the first time, or could it be they were alive this time round because you rewound time?

Commentator: We may never know.

Professor: There's just one thing that's still baffling me. Why didn't you just revive them with electric shock?

Commentator: …WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME TO DO THAT? That would have saved a lot of panic!

Sammy: Yeah, but it wouldn't have been good for hilarity!

Commentator: …I suppose.

Sammy: So, will we be reading the Chuunin exams next week?

Commentator: -Yeah, about that. Anonymius has decided, now that the Zabuza Saga has finished, to take a break from Naruto and work on other things.

Sammy: WHAT?

Commentator: Look, there's a lot of Naruto to get through, and he doesn't want to devote his time doing all of it in one go! If it was a shorter series like FMA, then that would be different.

Sammy: But Boss! If we stop now, people will lose interest!

Commentator: Yeah well we continually create new FMA series and that series' hits decline after the previous one like a sequel! It won't make any difference. But do not worry people; Naruto Abridged (With Commentary) is just on hiatus! Look out for 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary): The Chuunin Exams' by at least a month! Or around that time anyway.

* * *

**Thank all of you for your support and reviews! 'Naruto Abridged (With Commentary)' will return!**

**P.S. I do not own the Dahaka either!**


End file.
